People on Pedestals: Just Say No

Question:  Why is sex on TV bad?
Answer:  Because inevitably someone falls off and gets hurt.

Okay, so that isn't entirely relevant to this post, but now that I have your attention...

Question:  Why shouldn't you put people on pedestals?
Answer:  Because inevitably, someone's gonna fall, and you'll both get hurt.  In another striking similarity, the whole situation is just painful for all involved.

*  *  *

Chapter 1

I'm on an online dating site (yeah, yeah, get over it, you've likely been there, too).  One day I came across a profile of an attractive, deeply interesting, clearly talented singer-songwriter who seemed to be either a professional or semi-professional musician.  Wow!  As a pianist/composer myself, I generally connect well with and am very much interested in female musicians... and this one lives nearby me, too!  In the back of my mind, I was thinking... hmm, there's something oddly familiar about this woman, but no matter.  People often say I look familiar, too; 'sthe way of the world.  And the Bay Area is a surprisingly insular, small place in many ways, complete with highly overlapping Friend circles.

Pushing beyond any self-doubting and/or procrastinatory tendencies, I wrote her a friendly message, mentioning that I'm a (admittedly mostly lapsed) musician, that I enjoy going to music performances, and I'd love to catch a show of hers sometime, yadda yadda.  Then I hit send.

Giving rather than offering

Earlier this week, I was stuck in a queue on a couch at work, in between two friendly Googlers I'll call Hanz and Gretel.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, with more waiting to come.  There was a beer and baklava party downstairs, so I thoughtfully (I thought) offered to bring back both H&G some treats.  Both, after a brief pause, smiled and declined.

I went, I saw, I brought back and ate while I continued my waiting with no Godot in sight.  Shortly thereafter, Hanz went downstairs and brought back two plates... one for himself and one, indeed, for Gretel.

Fashion vs. fit

A friend of mine recently posted a note (sorry, not publicly accessible) asking people what they thought about fashion.  She's quite the fashionista... and sadly, I am not.  Here, for your reading pleasure, is the comment I wrote in response to her note:

*  *  *

Sorry, but I pretty much think negatively of "fashion."  I see the stuff people wear on catwalks, for instance, and I want to laugh or gag or both.  I see what "fashionable" people wear, particularly ones who push the envelope, and I think... gah, if my friend/family-member wore something like that, I'd hide in embarrassment.

Now in contrast, there's the concept of fit, which I think is very important (and is something I darn well should be paying better attention to).  Often times, I see what would otherwise be very attractive folks, for instance, wearing clothes that either accentuate a body flaw or failing to wear clothes that accentuate their body strengths.

As a personal example:  I'm pretty short for a guy, so I should apparently not be wearing flashy belts or horizontally striped shirts or other stuff that separate the visual vertical flow of my body, causing me to look shorter.  On a related note, hats and haircuts and glasses and such really ought to be selected according to fit rather than according to the latest fashion to account for differently shaped faces and so on.

These fit considerations, IMHO, are enduring, whereas fashion (or at least my perception of it) is less based in aethetical science and more based upon, ZOMG, [insert name of horrendously overrated actor] is wearing [article of clothing or accessory], so I MUST wear that!!!!!!!!1

In fact, if anything, I find that a slavish attention to fashion results in far too many people looking really awful whereas if these same folks instead focused on better fitting clothing (a custom tailored suit, for instance), they'd look 100x better.

Fall from grace - inevitable?

We create, we destroy.  We build up, we tear town.

People, companies, and relationships amongst them all.

Perhaps on a small and personal scale, it may be possible to maintain strength and joy.  I believe it is.  But can this work on a bigger, louder canvas?  I am not so sure.

How many greats have escaped a fall?  Whose big names or brands have soared to great heights, never to have their wings melted and the fall begin?

If you agree that this trajectory is inevitable, should it be? If you disagree, name names :-D

In the meantime, here are two songs—one more serious, one quite humorous—to set the mood.

Dear FB, Twitter - We want narrowcasting, not just broadcasting!

Earlier this week, I wanted to send a Facebook message to my dancer friends in the Bay Area  to invite them to a local event.  I ended up manually sifting through my entire friends list, since there’s no way to invite or message an intersection of friends.  Similarly, I wanted to post a twitter note to my Google buddies in a particular geographic region, but Twitter doesn’t support any sort of useful narrowcasting, either.

Basically, social service nowadays seem hellbent on having us share our lives and connect with more and more people.  I don’t want that, and I’m betting a lot of you feel the same way:  we want to deepen our relationships with our current friends, share details of our lives with the friends who are most likely interested in those particular details, and so on.

A lot of the brouhaha over FBs aggressive more-sharing push has been over privacy, but in the rush to protest “ZOMG, I don’t want my mom to know THAT!” the complementary concerns of narrowcasting have been largely ignored.  I’m personally a lot less worried about someone finding out something I don’t want them to know about, and far more concerned about burning out my friends with info they find irrelevant and uninteresting.

Is it not madness that I can’t post a note joking about a local politician just to my Mountain View  friends?  This highlights one of a great many situations in which there are no privacy issues (I’m not trying to keep my bad sense of humor a secret from my friends in Europe), but rather that my friends outside MV aren’t likely to care about this topic.  And worse yet, these friends will likely stop reading my posts altogether unless I either post less overall (a bummer!) or magically somehow write entries that are appealing and relevant across my diverse group of friends (pretty impossible).

*  *  *
I think I speak for most of us non-hermit’y types in noting that:

• Our sphere of acquaintances and friends is growing at an astonishing rate… due to the awesome people we meet online, at work, via friends, from family members, etc.
• We have an innate desire to stay in touch with many of these folks and to share interesting and relevant stuff with them.
• Relationships are not symmetrical, nor are the related communications desires!  I may hang on the every brilliant and witty word of a friend, but she may be, um, less fascinated with my mutterings (while still wanting to keep in touch with me overall)
• There should be easier ways for us to finetune who (and what groups) we share with and who we hear from… beyond the scope of privacy considerations.
  
  • For instance, it’d be awesome to be able to tell our computer: “I want to share this musing with my friends who love hiking and are within 20 miles of Mountain View” or, conversely, “Highlight messages from friends who live nearby me and aren’t talking about politics.”

But alas, services like Facebook seem to be lately more concerned about giving people a megaphone than letting them share and filter more effectively.  They’re amplifying and extending the noise, which from what I gather, is more likely to alienate people than have them maintain Facebook as part of their daily routine.  And that’s a shame.

*  *  *

What do you think?
- Do you share my interests in narrowcasting?
- Or do I have an unusually large addressbook and/or overly geeky demands re: sharing and filtering?
- Are you familiar with any services that are helping folks connect more deeply vs. broadly?

A heartwarming story about bridging the culture gap

[I wrote this years ago, but had posted it on a site I no longer maintain; I thought it might be nice to share it with you now.]

As many of you may already know, I spent over a year total in Europe during and immediately after finishing grad school in ‘98. My experiences included an amazing mixture of triumphs, tragedies, laughter, adventure, confusion, and pretty much every other emotion one can have… but compressed in time and on foreign soil.

While I regret not keeping any semblance of a diary during my time in Europe, I still carry a wealth of knowledge and emotions in me… much of which bubbles to the surface at random times. For whatever reason, one event came to mind tonight, and it made me smile.

During my initial 3 month internship in Europe, I was dying to ‘taste’ as much of the continent as I could. My workplace was next to a train station, and nearly every other Friday I’d bring a small suitcase to work, and spin the virtual Europe-roulette-wheel (and consult the weather forecasts) to pick a travel destination for the upcoming weekend. I’d then leave straight from work, typically take an overnight train, spend Saturday and Sunday at my destination, and arrive back—sleepy eyed and exhausted—to work Monday morning.

Spontaneity and adventure sometimes gave way, however, to frustrating circumstances… including nasty weather, obnoxious hostel (and hostile) roommates, and in some cases, lack of an available nearby hostel at all. Such was the case when I arrived in Luxembourg one weekend… forcing me to scour surrounding smaller cities for lodging. When I finally discovered a hostel with vacancies in a far outlying town of the main city, I was none too thrilled to find myself alone at this hostel… except for a gaggle of giggling teenage German tourists from what turned out to be a church group outing. They ate at their reserved table for dinner within the hostel, and I ate, basically alone and lonely, by myself in another corner… understandably not wanting to butt in on a chaperoned group of young’uns.

To my annoyance, they’d occasionally look at me with eyes that seemed to mockingly ask, “What is that weird, tired looking guy doing at OUR hostel?” but aside from that, I ate in peace, and then—noting it was too early to retire for the night despite my fatigue—wandered out into the cobblestone streets to find something to do or see.

There wasn’t much. But lo and behold, before long, I heard a familiar gaggle of giggling a ways behind me, and, almost as if in a cartoon, that very same group of young kids shushed quickly when I peered back at them. Imagine my surprise then, when one of the girls broke from the pack and shyly approached me.

“Hallo,” she said, not quite sure of herself, but with quiet yet visible support from her friends behind her.

Still shocked, I blurted out an American “Hi there” instead of a matching Hallo.

“You’re English?” she asked.

“No,” I replied, “American.”

Her face lit up with a big smile, which compensated for the moment of silence between us.

She told me she was from Germany, which I knew, but I never could have anticipated the next turn in our conversation.

“Are you… by yourself?” she asked? I answered affirmatively, still confused by this situation… and I’ll never forget what came next:

“Do you want to be our friend?”

Such sweetness and innocence and courage! I could have hugged that kid right there. 

Instead, though, I delved into one of the most honest and memorable conversations I had during my time Europe. The friends of this girl, Christina, immediately sensed that I DID welcome a chat with them. And so, as they approached, they fired off a sometimes cacophanous bunch of questions in German for Christina to translate to me, and then waited eagerly for my response and acting-spokeswoman Christina’s translation.

A few of the questions were admittedly ignorant but nonetheless amusing in their simplicity: “Do you [Americans] really eat at McDonald’s all the time?” and “Are all the streets in the States very big?”

Before long, it was clear that most of what these kids knew of America they had gleaned from their exposure to the dominant American media. And that, indeed, scared me. Baywatch is SUPER-big in Germany (and apparently leads at least a few Germans to assume we’re all Malibu-stylin’ and beach going tansters). David Hasselhoff may be a laughingstock amongst some of the ‘hipper’ Germans, but he’s still a beloved actor and recording artist for much of Deutschland. In other words… given what we ‘export’ to Europe, we should all be afraid… be very afraid!

But before long, as the kids got braver with their English and started addressing me directly, I began to delve deeper into their opinions and prejudices.

“So what do you think of Americans?” I asked plainly.

They were none too shy or slow with their responses. “Creative!” “FAT!” “Sportive!” “Lazy!” “Funny!” and “Friendly!” seemed to be relatively agreed-upon adjectives. But the latter one spurred some deeper discussion, with one boy arguing that, “Americans don’t like Germans. They’re friendly to themselves but not to us. From the War.”

I should have been prepared for this. Even at parties with college-aged folk, the issue of the Holocaust often came up. What did Americans think of Germany? Of Germans? Of the War? And why? Was it fair to perpetuate the Guilt? Those that brought up this subject with me often did so almost randomly, over beers and fries, though with sometimes pretty intense curiosity and passion.

This same curiosity, combined with innocence, was so clearly present in these young kids. On one hand, they saw America as everything “cool”... but still so distant geographically and emotionally. There was a marked admiration for, yet confusion about and partially even disdain for Americans, perhaps no different than that reflected by our own general ignorance of other cultures.

But here there was such a heartwarming yearning from them to connect to me, to connect with the America I was an impromptu representative for. They continued asking me questions for nearly an hour, and drew closer to me all the while until I was almost surrounded. “You are nice!” gushed one of the girls out of the blue, prompting some titterings in German that I understood more than they realized.  Not long after this, Christina—by now pretty emboldened and unshy—asked, “Can I have your address?”

“Sure,” I replied, amused and flattered, though I couldn’t help but ask, “Why?”

“Because Julia likes you!” Christina replied with a huge grin, followed by a horrified look on a quickly clued-in Julia, “And she won’t ask you!”

Silly kids. Playful, wondering, movie-watching, tall, short, blonde, brunette, crush-having, sneaker-wearing kids.

At that moment I was reminded… that deep down we’re pretty much all the same, everywhere. There’s a child-like curiosity and goodness in everyone that never really dies. Sometimes it gets hardened a bit or repressed or shouted over, but it’s still there.

I had been tired and lonely and frustrated before I met these kids. And there are certainly times nowadays, too, when I’m feeling like that. But when life accentuates separation and distance, I look back on my encounter in Luxembourg and similar experiences and am reassured that friendship and understanding are still inherently valued. And though I never did hear from Julia, thinking of her and her friends especially makes me smile :-D

Tragedy of the social commons

Tonight I was tired.  Tired but—perhaps solely through repeated mental flagellations—ready to be brave.

Tonight at the weekly swing dance, I was going to ask Miss Q to dance.  Extremely talented, very attractive, and admirably most humble, too.  Miss Q, that is.  Darned ambiguous references, but indeed I digress.

Grammatical nits aside… for reasons I cannot quite narrow down for certain, it appears as though my bravery was either contagious or most coincidentally most ill-timed or a combination thereof. You see, that *other* fellow was determined to dance with Miss Q.  And the young man beside him.  And yes, that other chap dashing up beside the both of them.

Miss Q had a queue and a rather constant queue at that.  Oh, not the visible English-style straight version, but rather a discernible one nonetheless.  Ranging from skulking to brazen, star-struck and/or love-struck leads grabbed their opportunity, sometimes with frightening literalness, and Miss Q handled it all with the utmost in grace and good nature.  Was she delighted or annoyed or simply exhausted by all the attention?  I cannot say.  I was quietly and perhaps just a bit more than mildly seething at my ill fortune, and so in this circumstance I cannot fully trust my normally perceptive nature.

But I know this:  of the collective of Miss Qs here and elsewhere on the dancefloor—particularly in this arenas where the Misses outnumber the Misters—there by my estimation must be an aggregate tiredness and frustration on the shoulders of both sexes.  The Misses have nary a rest, much less a chance to do much choosing of their choosing.  They pair with those who are the quickest, the most cunning, the most persistent, the most unsubtlely lurking in the not-so-background, which may or—more likely—may not dovetail with those who are the most talented or otherwise desirable partners.

And, as you surely may have guessed, the disappointment lies not just within the fairer sex here, but rests upon the equally unlucky section of lads.  For we have two choices:  one-up the others in desperate aggressiveness or sit on the side passively ruing our lot and the escalation of hounding-stealing-hoarding that has led to this sorry condition.  Those compelled into the former may succeed on occasion but feel ashamed on the whole of what they’ve been driven to.  And those self-relegated into the latter behavior must simply feel, well, stamped writ-large with a neon ‘L’ upon their forehead.

*  *  *

What does this suggest, other than that I have a dramatic flair for cartooningly exaggerating a seemingly run-of-the-mill situation rather than answering e-mail or getting much needed sleep?

Ah, dear reader, it suggests more than this!  Much more!  For dance is but a metaphor for life!  Or, at minimum, the situation I’ve described above reminds me of social interactions in a much broader sense than just the lead-follow rituals associated with selecting dance partners.

Bars.  Clubs.  Particularly given the most-typical uneven ratios of men (many) to women (few), what we end up with is an ever-escalating atmosphere of urgency, high volume, and desperation, which leads to the all-too-cliched-but-true situation of women massively annoyed by obnoxiously brazen and bad pickup lines and (worse) physical aggression.  And on the other side, an unfortunate mix of mostly puzzled, frustrated, and perhaps even angry men who refuse to raise their bets and behavior (and thus fold)  The women go home and complain to their girlfriends about being besieged by “jerks” all night, and guys complain to their mates about the unfortunate and equally-unfortunately-named “sausage fest” and the lack of opportunities reasonably available.

*  *  *

To clarify, my swing dance experiences are typically many many MANY times better than the hyper-clarified and starkly drawn portrait I’ve painted here.  And for tonight, it was more my own stubbornness (I was set on dancing with one particular woman) that resulted in the sullying of what should have by all other measures been an outstanding night (presence of friends, a strong live band, etc.)  But it made for a good excuse for a blog post and I found myself sincerely drawn (once again) to the parallels between social dancing and the broader arena of meeting and flirting and dating.  Specifically, what I felt I was observing was a miniature version of the tragedy of the social commons which, upon further reflection, might better (albeit less pithily) be described as “The Tragic Inevitability of Behavioral Escalation in the Context of Mixed-Gender Social Environments.”  But the latter—while a title I might be able to sell or rent to thesis'ing Psychology PhD students -- is way too long for a catchy blog title. Almost as piss-poor a title as some musical one might otherwise wisely stumble upon.

Anyway, with all MY pontificating out of the way, what do you think? Do queues of the sort I described lead to women becoming frustrated and less apt to genially interact with guys? Or is this one-upmanship of sorts an expected but altogether benign reflection and self-selection of the assertive vs. the doormats, the latter of whom need to learn to buck up anyway? :-D I look forward to hearing your thoughts, even if those thoughts are, "For the love of Dog, Adam, why do you overanalyze stuff to such a degree, and at 1am no less?!"

On public displays of affection -- but not that kind

Today, we send and receive notes publicly in a way that seems shocking when viewed by communications standards just a decade ago. Expressions of friendship, social plans, etc.

“I miss you!”...
“Hey, are you going to Fred’s party tomorrow?”...
“Save me a dance this Wednesday!”... etc.

Why do we like this, why do we post rather than e-mail? Bonding? Convenience? Insecurity? Is it just an extension of the old “You’re the greatest!” scribblings we got in our high school year books? :-)

I feel torn about this.

On one hand, I must confess to being oft-delighted by both the chance to quickly share warm feelings or make arrangements with friends and acquaintances all over the world, many of whom I might not otherwise have a chance to more formally or personally converse with.  But on the other hand, this almost seems like a narcissistic and lazy version of friendship, and a behavior that’s not particularly seemly in someone who is nearly four decades old.

I’m almost past feeling bad about not handwriting letters anymore.  I still feel awful that I have unreplied-to e-mails in my inbox from dear friends that I’ve put off for “when I have time,” yet here I am writing a blog post.

Have we become a culture of relationship snackers?  Has the ease of publishing, of communicating, of virtual hugging (not to mention cow-throwing) resulted in an exciting and perhaps overall-positive broadening of our social circle… but at the expense of deepening relationships?

What do you think?  Why are we so drawn to this micro- and public communicating?  What does it mean for us?  What does it mean for relationships?

Facebook's Frustrating Friending... and my reluctant choice

I have over 500 Facebook friends.  That’s a statement to help you understand my predicament, not a badge of honor.  Of these, a handful are close friends, a big bunch are “regular” friends, a ton of ‘em are colleagues with which I have varying degrees of social contact and interest, and an even larger ton are “acquaintances or less.”  From that latter category, I still value many of those admittedly “weak ties.”  I may not know someone well, but perhaps she and I connected strongly even after just a brief meetup.  Or… maybe I don’t chat with that one fellow much anymore, but he used to be my best friend in high school and I still care about how he’s doing.

But then there are the other “friends.”  People I met once at a conference and exchanged pleasant pleasantries with.  Someone from college who was the girlfriend of an acquaintance.  Or someone who… uh… who is that guy?

*  *  *

The biggest and most painful flaw in Facebook’s friend-system is that it assumes that two people in a “friendship” see the relationship in the same way… and thus have the same interests (or interest level) in both sharing and learning about each other.  I have no doubt that there are people I’m interested in hearing about (and from), but who absolutely couldn’t give a rodent’s posterior about my latest blatherings or photos.  On a related note, I have work buddies that I enjoy chatting with, but would probably not to subject them to my occasional angst, drinking photos, dating whines, and so on.  As a friend of mine once commented, “You don’t want to see your boss in Speedos” or, more intellectually, many people understandably feel uncomfortable sharing or reading “out of social context.” You get my point.

*  *  *

Sure, Facebook’s “friend lists” can ameliorate some of these issue a bit.  But not completely.  And the UI is so awkward, so confusing, so annoying, it almost makes setting up friend lists more trouble than they’re worth.

What Facebook needs to do is break the friend-reciprocity requirement.  Just because I’m interested in following a person’s photo stream or reading their latest musings doesn’t mean they want to be forcefed AdamInfo.  More specifically, Facebook needs a “subscription” model, just like what we have for blogs, on Twitter, on Friendfeed, and—for crying out loud—in real life. 

Each person has two rights in this far-more-ideal non-reciprocal friends model:
1) The right to set privacy boundaries, dictating who (individually and/or by group) can access what aspects of their space (profile, activity stream, etc.)
2) The right to follow or subscribe to whatever or whoever he or she wants, subject (of course) to any applicable privacy boundaries mentioned in #1… WITHOUT the other person having to indicate the same level of interest.

There’s also a #3, which I find to be a strongly desirable albeit not required component of this model:
3) The right to more keenly control sharing, so that it’s aligned intelligently not only with the interests of the sharer (as in #1), but also with the interests of the potential reader (related to #2).

#3 might seem redundant, but it’s not.

*  *  *

A hypothetical example:

Pat has buddies Fred and Jen.  Fred and Pat are fast friends.  In contrast, Pat has a crush on Jen and want to know everything about her, but she doesn’t have the same interest in Pat.

- Clearly, Jen’s gonna want #1 here.  She doesn’t want Pat to see her stuff at all, so she either blocks him or gives him limited privileges. 
- She may, however, want to keep tabs on the fellow to see if he’s spreading rumors or going from creepy to threatening, so she takes advantage of #2 above.

Under the current model, the latter part wouldn’t be reasonably possible.  Jen would have to friend Pat, and wouldn’t that be awkward?! (and potentially hazardous, by sending absolutely the wrong statement).

So then we have Pat and Fred.  As fast friends, they really want to follow everything of each other.  There should be a system, perhaps not only algorithmic (which I believe FB already has in place) but optional-manual as well, which enables the two to indicate, yes, turn on the firehose; let me know when my best friend sneezes.  Again, Facebook has some functionality along this line, but it doesn’t scale well within an account, it’s confusing, and it’s basically a pain in the ass.

This is where #3 comes into play.  Facebook should enable folks to more easily share smartly… e.g., “pushing” those conference photos or blog entry on technology to colleagues, but not gym buddies or high school chums.  Of note, this is NOT the same as privacy; I’m not suggesting that this should be used as a substitute for effective privacy controls or filtering, nor even that the untargeted folks in the above scenario couldn’t view those items if they wanted.  But rather, it’s an issue of respect and priority; it’s less that those folks would be offended and more that they’d be simply bored.  What I’m calling for is a sharing that respects not only boundaries, but likely interests.

*  *  *

And lastly, we return to the most painful part of Facebook’s current friending model:  the increasing noise to signal ratio.  In other words, when I view my homepage feed, a lot of it is uninteresting to me.  And, alas, I miss tidbits about friends that I am interested in hearing about.  Yes, again, I could use friend lists (and do), but this doesn’t help streamline many other reading or transactional activities on FB; I still have to wade through 500+ names when recommending friends to friends, for instance.

So today I’m finally making that hard choice:  I’m being selfish and reclaiming my addressbook.  I’m removing a not-insignificant-number of folks from my Facebook addressbook (read: de-friending them) not because they stole my girlfriend or poked my eye out with a bb-gun or made me lick Grand Central Station with my tongue (though, indeed, all of those would be good reasons for de-friending), but rather because we don’t really chat so much any more or have drifted apart or never really chatted much socially in the first place,  etc. etc. etc., and the benefit of those weak ties is outweighed by the collective—I hate to use this word—clutter.

Offended?  Blame Facebook.  Or, better, yet, if you’re bummed that I’ve de-friended you, do one or both of the following:
- Contact Facebook and let them know that it’s high time they update their friending system to improve sharing & privacy and reduce awkwardness.
- Follow me on FriendFeed (and, obviously, feel very welcome to engage in conversation with me there).

*  *  *

Thanks for your understanding :-D.  Also, why not share your thoughts below on how Facebook Friending works?

Proposition 8 isn't just about civil rights, it's about love and commitment

Hi there,

I don’t tend to post much about politics in this blog, especially nowadays.  But I have something I want to talk to you about that’s more than “just politics.”  It’s about my friends.  It’s about—with semi-apologies to Princess Bride—True Love.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Proposition 8, I’ll quickly fill you in:  It’s a ballot initiative in California that aims to modify the state constitution to eliminate the right of people to marry the one they love if they’re gay or lesbian.

And let me tell you, it has warmed my heart to see gay and lesbian people I know tie the knot… people who are committed, monogamous, dedicated to their communities.  People who care about schools, who care about our country and the world. 

They just want to live out their lives in peace with their loved one.  Pay taxes jointly.  Have full visitation rights if one of them ends up in a hospital.  And, for those whose partner is from outside the U.S., they want to stay in the house they’ve bought together in this very state.

They’re not out to “convert” anyone for goodness sake, despite what some people are trying to scare you into believing.  In fact, I doubt they wish on anyone the challenges and hatred and sometimes even violence they suffered growing up.  I haven’t met a single gay or lesbian person who sees this as “making a statement” or “forcing change” or anything like that.  They just want to be able to love the one they’re with, and have their commitment be recognized fully by both the state and our country.

Perhaps you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, well sure, Adam.  I agree with you.  You’re preaching to the choir!  We used to not let blacks marry whites.  We used to not let people originally from Ireland (and elsewhere) hold jobs amongst us.  Our country has been through so many dark times… the burning of “witches” and the baseless ruining of lives of suspected communists and so on. 

Of course, we’re better now, right?  More and more people, especially young people, know people who are “different” than themselves… work with them, laugh with them, love them.

But I fear that the Yes on Prop 8 people have created uncertainty where there should be clarity and resoluteness.  So let me set the record straight (no pun intended):

• This proposition will not change what kids are taught in school.
• It won’t cost you any money.  If anything, it’ll keep more jobs here and maintain / build more revenues via taxes.
• Churches won’t lose their tax-exempt status.  The court decision regarding marriage specifically says “no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same-sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs.”

*** Learn more about Proposition 8 ***

If you’re straight, voting NO on Prop 8 won’t change your marriage (or for you fellow single folks, your lack of marriage).  Churches can still marry whomever they want.  Parents can still take their kids out of school classes that go against their beliefs.

The only real thing voting NO on Prop 8 will do:
Let two consenting adults marry each other.

*  *  *

Please, let love prevail.  Those of you who are eligible (and haven’t already voted), PLEASE VOTE, and vote No on Prop 8.

Thank you :-).

I, Robot

Hello.  Good day.  A little quiet?
I’m feeling a little blue myself.
You know, A little anxious for no particular reason
A little sad that I should feel anxious at this age.
You know, a little self-conscious anxiety resulting in non-specific sadness.
The state that I call blue.

- spoken by the narrator (“Man In Chair”) in the awesome musical “The Drowsy Chaperone”

Today I am a little sad because of a small heartbreak.
And a little anxious because, well, I should not be admitting this in public.

Real men

don’t

 do cry.  But real businessmen… the type who are strong, who manage or mentor, who think of respect and solidness and promotions… they are not bloviatingly blathering on a blog, blissfully or blamefully or otherwise.

Think.  Think of someone you look up to at work.  Do you want to know his private foibles, hear of his personal struggles?  Really?  No. You want someone to look up to.  Someone at least a little bit larger than life.  A rock, or minimally a damn large stone.

You have your own problems, and when you want to schadenfreudically delight in someone else’s problems, you have your TV or paper or favorite internet gossip sites within an arm or eyeball’s reach.

When your current or future dear leaders are feeling blue, they ideally do not show you, much less tell you.

Then again, maybe it’s different today.  Maybe the Live Journalers of the modern era will grow up to be respected leaders… warty angst, noserings and all.  Perhaps someday we’ll view an executive’s late night facebookings with indifference rather than annoyance or scorn.

Or maybe not.  Maybe he or she will methodically scrub, hoping the last trace of emotion is gone.  Here, look, a résumé.  A fine, level-headed portfolio indeed!

And only a strong, competitive, safe, and secure heart.

Two Brazil short stories - The Galloping Vendors and the Patient Kindness of Strangers

The Galloping Vendors

There had just been again weeks of violent unrest in the world, but I was quite a few countries away, together in a sprawling São Paulo street market with a colleague and our big happy-but-guarded driver.  The three of us were amiably ambling amidst a big, colorful, confusing, and crowded set of not-quite-straight rows on uneven pavement and outdoor shops and inside shops and coconuts with straws and colorful scarves.  And music CDs and sunglasses and an amusing, sometimes perplexing mishmash of electronic items.  Much of this, if not most, of dubious officialness. 

The majority of these items were sitting on wood planks, next to which sat oft squat, loud, tanned, tired yet eager vendors.

By the hour next, some of these sellers looked vaguely uncomfortable, nervous.  The storm clouds were coming, rain was imminent, and there was palpably a rolling sense of unease.

Fidgeting, bustling, clamoring, much more than before.

Then yelling and a pounding of feet and a thrusting forward of seemingly thousands of people, many of them with those same wooden planks bobbing precariously as the crowd shovingly stumbled, then broke into a run.  It looked at times as if they were almost falling forward, haphazardly heading fast away.

At the same time, fast towards… towards speeding police cars zipping and blaring through the streets, seemingly without regard to the vendors, their wares, or the people buying them.

“INSIDE! GO INSIDE!” shouted our driver.  “NOW!!!”

I wasn’t quite sure which inside he meant, which side of the street.  I was equally unsure of what was happening.  Had there been an explosion?

But I didn’t ponder sitting still.  I ran as well as I could, dodging it all, ducking thankfully into the same store as my colleague and our driver who could hopefully protect and explain.

*  *  *

We were okay.  The crowd passed, the sirens faded into the distance.

Our driver chuckled softly.

“I’m sorry for the situation.”

A raid.  The vendors had not paid the proper taxes.

“I’ve only seen this on the TV.  Never happened to me.  But what an experience, eh?  What a situation!”

He shook his head a bit as we searched for our car.  He told me to not take any more pictures, that it was not a good idea, though after the running-of-the-vendors we’d just survived without impalement, I doubted a few additional photos would contribute measurably to any future danger but I complied nonetheless.  And I thought, I’m glad I wore those ugly strong American sneakers.

“I’m sorry” he said again.  But it was all okay.  The added color was scary but memorable and worthwhile.  I smiled, knowing that my time in Brazil was just beginning and that I was ready.

A view of the marketplace before the storm (See more of my São Paulo gallery)

————————————————————

The patient kindness of strangers
Maria and I wanted to go to Sugarloaf Mountain but didn’t quite know how.  We made it to the city center by bus, just as we had the days before, but then were a bit stymied.  This second bus didn’t seem to be where Cornelius had, admittedly tenuously, thought it would be, said it would be.  We waited and walked and then—abandoning any pretense of stubbornness or shyness—began to ask around.

One person sent us to another to another, all in a friendly way.  Until we got to the one woman whose name we never got.  Perhaps she said it, since she said a lot, quite a lot.  When it became quite clear that our limited Spanish and her limited Spanish were not going to mesh productively, she decided upon the show-and-tell method.  She herded us to a spot which was noticeably not very near the spots we had spotted before, and then she waited with us.

Waited and talked and talked, pretty much all in Portuguese.  Neither Maria nor I speak Portuguese, and I think the woman knew that, but she spoke on rapidly and happily and pointedly despite that unfortunate but apparently-not-show-stopping linguistic gap.  Every once in a while she’d pause, and we’d continue to nod, and she’d carry on, obviously as pleased to be with us as we were befuddled-yet-grateful to be with her.

*  *  *

Twenty minutes and many words and smiles and nods later, the right bus came to take us to Sugarloaf Mountain.  We clasped each others hands, I think maybe even hugged, just as we did with the majority of Brazilians we had the distinct pleasure of meeting, and then waved goodbye while speaking the only Brazilian we knew: Obrigado.

A view from Sugarloaf Mountain (See other photos I took in Rio)

Unmushy And Obnoxiously Geeky Thoughts on Love

In junior high, I was not thinking about love.
In high school, love was for everyone but me.
In undergrad, love was only for the Bad Boys.
In grad school, I was delighted to realize that good guys could find love, too.

And now, I am tempted to believe that love is surprisingly, frustratingly, completely random.

The Rational Me yearns to apply logic to love, typically less out of need than pure intellectual curiosity.  Do [x] and you will find love.  Be [y] and you will find love.  Or, most simplistically and IMHO reasonably, be a Good Person and you will be well-deserving of love and will be correspondingly likely to find it.

And yet, despite seemingly having many data points, I fail to find many firm correlations, much less prerequisites or guarantees.

What triggered this musing?  Well, I was out last Saturday night and bantering with two acquaintances I much admire.  Both professed almost matter-of-factly that they were single and—despite wishes to the contrary—expected to remain so for the foreseeable future.  They had, at least for the time being, pretty much given up on men.  And to stave off the anticipated finger-pointing, no, I am not a decent match due to some rather solid reasons.  And further pre-empting unwise contributions from the peanut gallery: no, blogging on a Friday night does not a loser make, and commenting on such timing can hardly make one an erudite pundit. ;-)

Anyway, these women are quite bright, athletic, artistic, thoughtful, friendly, and attractive.  “Good people.”  And single.

And yet, in painful contrast, I have the displeasure of too-frequently encountering masses of woefully mismatched pairs… of dense men with brilliant women, supercilious women with kindly men, and so on.  Ah, and given a recent (outstanding) California event, let me add, in timeliness and fairness:  slothful men with industrious men.

Where once I bitterly rued a chasm of inopportunity (unopportunity?) in the world of dating and love, now I see delicious opportunity tinged by capriciousness and chaos.  Certainly a marked and personally-much-appreciated improvement, yes, but undeniably annoying when considering the greater scheme of things.  Yes, not everything can or even should be quantified, analyzed, predicted, even explained… but a bit more karmic matching would be nice.  If somehow the Good folks could consistently win in the game of love, Darwin might not be appeased but we’d likely have a kinder, more productive, and happier society long-term.  And as a refreshing bonus, I’d not be stuck in awkward conversations trying to defend the lameness, timidness, or simply cluelessness of my male brethren.

Free hugs and the beauty of human touch

I just learned from BLADAM member Flathead in the Netherlands that there’s a worldwide movement involving Free Hugs.  I just watched a few snippets, and this just totally made my day! :-D

It also brings to mind some thoughts I shared in an early blog entry (”Non-sexual Healin’” )

[...] It was then that I realized how much the whole concept of touch means to me and likely many of my Lindy Hop crazy friends. There’s such a comfort and warmth in—if you’ll forgive the modified Moulin Rouge reference—holding someone and being held in return.

At least in my case (and I suspect, for most others as well), this is all not really about sex or even necessarily flirting. As a heterosexual fella, I still enjoy hugging my friends regardless of their gender, and I likewise appreciate being a follower in Lindy Hop, even with guys.

Sure, there’s sometimes an underlying sensuality in dancing, especially when blues-dancing with someone you are attracted to from the way they look or the way they dance, and so on. But I still think that the overall non-sexual pleasure of touch is one of the leading factors that contributes to folks’ joy in dancing, and this also highlights just how much closeness our American society often lacks.

In much of Europe and Latin America, for instance, there seems to be less perceived overlap between friendly touching and sexual overtures, and I really like and respect that. When I lived in Europe, I found that I was encouraged to give and receive friendly hugs or even snuggle with others without ulterior motives or expectations.

Anyway, thanks, Flathead, for the neat link and good feelings :-D.

Provincial half-wits okay, but no Goddamned atheists!

In the marvelous The Week magazine (March 2007 edition quoting a USA Today / Gallup poll), it was disclosed that 53% of Americans wouldn’t vote for an atheist for U.S. President (and, unsurprisingly but just as sadly, 43% said they wouldn’t vote for a homosexual, either).  Barring a horribly worded poll question—which, I concede, isn’t out of the question—I’m guessing the real percentage of Americans who are prejudiced against atheists is even higher; assuming the poll was done by phone or in person, I can imagine some people thinking to themselves “Well, darned if I’d ever support one of them goin’-to-hell types, but I gotta sound enlightened here and not admit it!”

You know, I don’t care what people believe in: the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Boogie Man, or—my personal favorite and Savior—The Flying Spaghetti Monster... nor do I care whom they sleep with (men, women, or even The Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself, though I admit that could get messy), as long as no one gets hurt.  For instance, a pediatrician saying, “I’m sorry, son, I can’t see you today unless you pledge allegiance to Harvey, my invisible rabbit”... that would be wrong.  And weird… though (IMACANSHO) not a jot weirder than lots of other belief systems out there. 

Personally, I’d actually be happy to elect anyone as President—regardless of his or her religion or sexual habits—if he or she would fulfill just some very basic criteria:
- Has visited at least four countries in three continents.  And not just on business.
- Can read—and speak—at higher than a sixth grade level.
- Is respected by more than half a dozen world leaders.  And not the machete-wielding ones, either!
- Has publicly admitted to being wrong… and apologized!
- Has an innate sense of curiosity about the world… including people, science, the arts, etc.

And, most importantly…

- Views the world LOGICALLY.  Doesn’t make decisions to appease some invisible being or out of “faith” or whatever… because all of us, dammit, are likely to see *different* invisible beings depending upon what we’ve ingested recently… and frankly, it makes a hell of a lot more long term sense to have faith in science and scientists (who haven’t been muzzled by bureaucrats, but that’s another story).  A candidate who avoids run-on sentences would be even a better man than I! :-P

And, a helpful example:
WRONG:  “I’m signing this bill because the Flying Spaghetti Monster told me that it’s the right thing to do.”
RIGHT:  “I’m signing this bill because all independent research consistently shows it’s the logical choice based upon a thorough assessment of risks, opportunities, and benefits.”

*  *  *

So, zigging back to the original issue, I really don’t get why people would care about the belief system of their President.  Then again, I also don’t get why many people elected our last one because—and, as Dave Barry would say, I swear I am not making this up—they could really themselves see chuggin’ a beer with him.  Look, I know lots of guys who are amiable and often quite entertaining (and frequent) bar dwellers.  However, I sure as hell wouldn’t want them as my neurosurgeon.  Or life advisor.  Or Leader of the Free World.

No, I’d like to have someone who is insanely smart and sober and thoughtful.  Even a total nerd.  Sure, it’d be nice if he were social enough to not bungle through pleasantries with other heads of state, but I bet even the most socially awkward nerd wouldn’t be runnin’ around giving unsolicited shoulder massages.  Honest.  And wouldn’t that be a delightful improvement right there? :-D

*  *  *

In the meantime, it really saddens me that so many folks harbor such a prejudice against atheists, homosexuals, and, indeed, probably anyone who “threatens” their intellect, sexuality, or overall belief structure.  How is it that so many people—especially (I’m also sad to say) Americans—are so damn insecure? 

Look, I think ABBA wrote delightful music.  I get teary-eyed at many Sondheim musicals.  If you don’t feel the same way, 

you have lousy taste 

 hey that’s hunky dory.  As long as you don’t get elected as President and say… okay, due to my undying love for ABBA and Sondheim, I am going to put 42% of our budget into ABBA and Sondheim museums in every city.  In the world!  We’re going to take over Funkistan and put museums there for the ABBA- and Sondheim-less heathens!

Fine, fine, I’m getting a bit silly.  Belief in invisible beings is, I suppose, more profound than my tastes in music and theatre.  And, you might argue, someone’s belief system might guide them in their executive decisions.  Wars in the name of spaghetti sauces.  Tax policies to favor yellow marshmallow peep production.  And that, my friend, would be wrong.  Very wrong.

Logic transcends all of this.  If only so many folks weren’t quite so busy forcing beliefs on others.  Maybe if we had just had better logic and statistics teachers in school?  Hmm….

All "friends" aren't created equal! (why we need better relationship marking in social networks)

I’m planning on quitting twitter.  Flickr—at least as a social site—is getting frustratingly unwieldly.  You know why?  Because pretty much all social sites like this treat all my friends, co-workers, acquaintances, online buddies the same, and it’s a big, stupid, completely off-putting mess!

Sure, these services want to reduce complexity… they know that many folks may not want to take the time to put friends into groups.  And eventually, some really smart service is going to actually do it automatically for me (“Hmm… Adam only looks at Fred’s pictures once in a while, but he looks at Mary’s photos minutes after he’s notified of her updates…”).

Look, I’m not an insanely popular guy.  But I have over 600 people in my personal contacts folder.  I regularly interact with tons people at work, and sincerely care (personally) about at least a dozen or two of ‘em (to the point where I want to see their travel photos, want to know when they’re excited or depressed, etc.).  But when people have “friended” me on Twitter or Flickr, I’ve often unselectively reciprocated… and now I’m just getting overloaded.  Too much info.  Too much info I do not care about.

And this is where nearly all social services seem to get things wrong.  At risk of being callous, I could pretty much care less if a distant acquaintance is having an off day or just uploaded photos of his Aunt Elda’s wedding.  But I sure as hell want to know if my office mate is about to arrive at work grouchy or an awesome friend in a different timezone is having a rough week, and so on.  To the extent that social services of all types can eventually alert us to events and feelings that mean a lot to us, that’s a huge win.

Flickr lets me mark someone as a contact, friend, or family.  That’s somewhat useful, but I’d say that these distinctions barely scratch the surface in helping me manage photostreams or viewing permissions.

Facebook lets me mark someone as a “limited friend” (is that like “single serving friends” from Fight Club? :-P), but—again—that’s not all that helpful. 

Why can’t I rank my contacts’ importance on a scale from 1-10… 10 being I want to know their every feeling and action and 1 being I don’t want to be bugged by any notifications ‘bout them unless they’re getting married… and to a hot celebrity.  Or in addition to / instead of degrees of that sort, why can’t I indicate that I want monthly digests of most my contacts, weekly digests of a few, and daily or even as-it-happens updates on my select group of best-friends?

*  *  *

And it’s not just what I want to know, it’s also about what I want to share.  There are very different things I want to share with my Mom, my recent-ex-girlfriend, most of my colleagues, my closest friends, my roommate, and so on.  I should be able to put my contacts into “share groups”—with easily check-box-able overriding options per shared item—and then quickly and powerfully indicate which groups I want receiving which update or types of updates.

And, again, to the extent to which my preferences and habits can be algorithmically determined (albeit manually overridable) and designed to streamline my sharing and discovery choices, that’s super!  Facebook’s gotta know whose wall I post on most often, who I tag in most of my photos, and so on.  Surely it can make educated guesses on the strength of our ties.

Oh, and just to make things more complicated… it’s not all about only the strength of ties… it’s about context.  Many of my colleagues and friends get excited about news about new geek toys or web sites.  Other friends are in my lindy hop (swing dancing) group, and many of them couldn’t care less about the newest Web 2.0 doodad.

So I may want to share tech stuff with some friends, arts stuff with others, personal musings and rants with close buddies, and so on.  Complicated, yes, and likely with no absolute/easy answers.  But at least the social networking/sharing services could try a bit harder! :-D

*  *  *

So probably this week is when I’m gonna uninstall twitteroo and give up on both reading and posting occasional updates.  It’s not just a matter of signal vs. noise, which I lamented earlier, but the complete lack of any sort of targeting, grouping, etc.  There are days in which I really do want to read the blatherings of my fellow SEO/SEM/Search-engine geeks.  But some days I just want to know if a good friend is happy or sad.  Or if another friend finally bought her airplane tickets to come back to the States.  Right now, I can neither selectively broadcast nor read notes sorted/filtered by strength or type of ties.  And that’s jarring, frustrating, distracting, and whole ton of other negative adjectives.

I’m not going to delete my Twitter account just yet.  In case it’s not clear, I think there are some compelling cases for this sort of thing… and I’m hoping that eventually the service will help me share and glean what my friends and I are “doing now” with greater granularity and thoughtfulness.

And indeed, I hope other services eventually wise-up, too.  MySpace may be the most popular social network, but it is so (I’m confidently sure) only because of the obnoxiously strong power of the network effect, not because it really supports social sharing and discovery in an effective way.  The sooner other services learn that not all relationships are equal, the sooner the online world will truly help us manage and improve our (real, offline) relationships.

*  *  *

Updated on June 18, 2007:
I don’t always agree with Robert Scoble’s take on communications and networking and I’m frankly displeased that he’s invoked “nazis” for something far from evil, but I nonetheless think he makes some excellent points (related to my rant above) in his blog entry “Social networks as “friend” Nazi (design flaws in Facebook, Jaiku, Twitter).”

Second Life -- Amazing, beautiful, compelling... and not for me

What if you could build a better world, from the ground up?  What if you could even start “yourself” over… You.v2 or even New You; a different hairstyle, thinner, maybe even a different race or gender?  What if you could escape the hellish aspects of our world whenever and for however long you liked?  Glamorous, confident, rich, powerful, whimsical, witty YOU.  What if you could, indeed, have yourself a Second Life?

You can.  Via the amazingly powerful and immersive Second Life world online, you can build or even just experience your own 3D world… with thousands of other people from around the world in real time.  Music, art, religion, geekery (of course!), and (duh!) sex.  It’s all there, and discovering—even participating in it—is practically as easy as pointing and clicking.  When I first tried out Second Life (“SL”) years ago after meeting one of the founders of Linden Labs (Second Life’s creator), I was floored by the fluidity of the experience, just how easy it was to join, get around, meet people, and actually have interesting and entertaining conversations.

But after exploring SL for about ten hours over a long weekend, I grew wary… and have infrequently returned.  I’ve thought quite a bit about SL since then, and have been reluctant to voice my thoughts; as a geek who has indeed made some true friends (and, yes, even met stunningly brilliant and beautiful members of the opposite sex) via online interactions even back in the 80s, I worried that I’d seem hypocritical discussing my dismissal of SL.  However, an essay today by Ted—“Second Life? How ‘bout getting a First Life”—has prompted me to blather on a bit about my thoughts on virtual reality.

Ted does a fine job describing what SL is, beginning with this:

Second Life isn’t a game, a chat room, an eBay knock-off, a social networking site, a Starbucks, or a media service—it’s ALL OF THEM COMBINED. Second Life is, in a nutshell, a reality simulation (oxymoron?) that attempts to synthesize, using a 3D audiovisual user environment:[...]

In the end, Ted admits this:

Is it fun? You bet your butt it is. Did it foster human interaction when I tried it? Sure. Did it foster artistic appreciation? Sure. Did I want to go back to 2L as soon as I logged off? Yup. In fact, I was so compelled about it, I was thinking about it when I woke up this morning. And I don’t know if that’s healthy.  I think that’s the reason why I won’t be logging back on to 2L for a while. I can see it ruining peoples First Lives. One of the players I talked to on Second Life said he had been on twelve hours a day since September 6. OUCH.  I went ahead and deleted it from my Macbook.


But I might be reinstalling it.

In between his expressions of admiration and his cautionary note, he touches upon the concern highlighted in his post’s title; basically, with such a rich Second Life, what can happen to one's First Life?

Now, mind you, I'm the first to roll my eyes at all the scary-stories-of-the-day from clueless journalists and nincompoop congresscritters and all who talk about banning various games because "of the harm to the children!" What a load of crap. And indeed, I concede that Ted's final paragraph is edging a bit uncomfortably close to the alarmist for my taste.

Personally, I worry less about virtual reality games being a danger to society... and more about the tradeoffs they pose to me. It's all about personal responsibility, and I know that, hell, I barely have enough time to deepen, much less expand the number of my own friendships... barely enough time to keep my friggin' apartment clean... barely enough time to call my Grandpa, compose new music, meditate in the beautiful parks nearby, finally take up yoga, lose those 17 pounds that are weighting me down, and become conversant in Spanish and/or French. In my FIRST LIFE!

In a nutshell, then, time that I spend in Second Life is time taken away from my first life. And -- again, speaking for myself at least -- I need fewer distractions, not more.

Sure, you could argue "Look, ya dumb luddite, what about those hours you spend watching TV? Playing video games? Reading blogs? Writing your own useless blatherings? How is that crap any different than blowing off some steam or having some harmless fun in an imaginary world?" For starters, I don't watch TV (except for the occasional Simpsons episode or the satellite TV on JetBlue), nor do I play video games. So that saves a huge chunk of time ;-). But even those passtimes are fundamentally different than virtual reality participation.

You see, when you're in SL, for instance, unless you're a total hermit crocheting in the corner, you're interacting with other people. Other HUMANS. And, I'd guess, you're likely to form attachments or at least become part of the social fabric for others. As a once a month visitor, it's a non-issue, but if you drop by weekly or even daily, I envision it becomes like a bar: people know your name, they're happy you came, yadda yadda. The more time you spend, the more you become a part of this world and the people in it, and the more they become a part of your personal life.

Think this is nuts? Have you not read the studies which show how we humans not only identify with fictional characters on TV, but actually become emotionally attached to them? Feel that they are an integral part of our lives... feel sorrow at their losses, joys at their accomplishments? Have you been living in a cave whilst millions of people became enthralled with OJ and JonBenet and countless other folks who are no more real (as in, someone you have met, have talked with, have interacted with in ANY way) than avatars representing real people online?

* * *

So, by participating in SL, it's not only easy, but perhaps unavoidable to find acceptance, friendship, and attachment within the new world... such that it becomes perhaps almost required to sustain or even deepen those relationships. You miss playing your video games for a week, no sweat. You miss a TV show here and there, and you can always bittorrent it or have a friend fill you in on what happened. But virtual reality is different, no?

* * *

I firmly believe that all of us have limits of emotional inclusion. While some can cultivate and sustain more relationships, I don't think anyone's ability in this context is infinite. At some point, people you relate to, care about, and regularly interact with by necessity substitute either for others you have or have had a relationship with, or -- perhaps more critically -- others you COULD relate with or get to know better.

And here's where I am most likely to potentially create a firestorm of controversy: I believe, with all my heart, that online relationships in the aggregate are worth less than in-person relationships. Mind you, I happily and meaningful maintain a number of friendships with folks online and I value them (both the friendships and the people behind them). But -- again, on the whole -- there's undeniably too much missing. While I'm often wary of statistics in this context, I do believe what I learned in Communications Studies in college: more than 90% of communications are non-verbal. The way one positions his arms... how someone looks or doesn't look you in the eye... a person's posture... how they touch you, how they shake your hand. Logically, so little of this makes sense, but emotionally and spiritually, it is near-everything.

It is for this reason that -- as I have grown up -- I have made the personal decision to leverage online communications as a means to an end: specifically, in the personal (non-work) context, interactions are typically intended to sustain, enhance, clarify, or even create relationships in the flesh. Life -- okay, my First Life -- is too fleeting to think and plan otherwise.

* * *

And so we return -- quite circuitously, I admit -- to my personal objections to Second Life. It's not that it's not real enough... it's that it's just real enough to serve as a quasi-substitute for life-in-person. And furthermore, it's designed not to reflect, much less improve or enhance, one's existing relationships (a la the ideal of Facebook, IMHO), but rather to create an alternate albeit real reality that necessitates tending to.

* * *

There's a place for SL. First and foremost, I don't wish to be judgmental towards those who find value (or friendship or love or financial profits or whatnot) in SL. The service itself has clearly been designed with passion, with care... and it's something I greatly admire and respect. And I can absolutely see the worth of SL for many folks and in many contexts: artists wishing to create, to share. People who, for reasons of geography or physical handicaps or family obligations or anything else, find the social aspects of SL more compelling and available than what they have in their FL. Or folks who are entirely comfortable developing, to quote Fight Club, single serving friends. Or researchers, hackers, shy people... the list goes on.

Second Life is a fascinating world, a truly amazing accomplishment in virtual reality, an engaging experiment in every respect. It's just not for me.

What makes a blog a community? And are such communities indeed highly fickle?

I’ve spent much of this weekend dealing with my blogfeeds.  I have well over 200 (haven’t bothered to count ‘em exactly), and I’m tens of thousands of posts behind.  Some feeds I’ve just had to (often regretfully) unsubscribe from, others I’ve “reset to zero” (admittedly just masking a larger problem), but—most interestingly to me—I’ve become more acutely aware that some blogs have a thriving community and others do not.

Some examples of blogs I perceive to have strong communities:

• Apophenia
• Google Blogoscoped
• Aaron Swartz’ “Raw Thought”

What indicates a strong community on a blog? (I’m not counting “meta” sites like Digg, Slashdot, MeFi, etc., by the way)

• Entries tend to have many comments.
• Commenters tend to stick around over time (there aren’t just a lot of one-off commenters on individual entries).
• Commenters aren’t just “talking” to the blogger, but also to each other.

So what helps establish and maintain a strong blog community?  Some guesses:

• Reasonably frequent posts (2+ a week)
• EASY commenting (e.g., no insane captchas, required registrations, etc.)
• A fixed topic that fascinates a lot of people (politics, gossip, sex, techie stuff, etc.)
• Many readers (though, perhaps unsurprisingly, this is clearly neither necessary nor sufficient)
• Popularity of the blogger in real life (due to career, good looks, large friend base, perceived influence, etc.)
• Popularity of the blogger online.

The last item is complex enough to merit its own subitems ;-).  Popular folks online recursively attract more popularity because:

• Their blogs are linked from many other sites (more traffic, greater perception of “importance”)
• Commenters (rightly) perceive that posting on their blogs will attract attention to *them* (the commenters).
• Additionally, commenters (again, often correctly) assume that A-listers may notice them and think more highly of them, link to them, etc.

Note, by the way, that “compelling, original content” and “engaging writing” don’t seem to correlate with the strength of blog communities.  I have plenty of blogs in my feed list that have amazing content and feature outstanding writing… but are devoid of any measurable sense of community.  Conversely, I’ve seen quite a few blogs (no, not the ones I listed at top!) that tend to offer somewhat stale writing and uncompelling content, yet still feature a thriving community.  I suppose it’s much like the Entertainment world at large, eh?  Popular megab(r)ands rake in the fans and the bucks while many independent artists starve for funds and attention.  But I digress.

*  *  *

I do have a somewhat obnoxious theory, though.  I think about 2% of blog readers account for 98% of blog comments.  The LC:  Loquacious Commenterati.  Often un- or independently-employed, quite often geeky (sitting at a computer all day and often into the night). 

Why does this matter?

1. Blog communities are likely to be less diverse than one might wish.  My very-smart-and-interesting parents, for instance, do e-mail, send IMs, read newspapers and look at photos online, but I am fairly certain they’ve never commented on a blog.
2. Blog communities (like any communities, I suppose) can be fickle, both due to selfish reasons (A-lister no longer works for Impressive Company, cute blogger is no longer single) or more extrinsic reasons (commenters get demanding full-time jobs, start getting laid, start having families—though not necessarily all at once!)
3. Blog communities can pressure bloggers to alter the frequency, topical focus, transparency, monetizeability, and other aspects of their blog, even when such modifications are not necessarily in the bloggers’ interests.

With all of that said, I must nonetheless insist that I am not attempting to denigrate all LCs (of which, admittedly, I am often one myself).  Many are my kind friends, colleagues I greatly respect, and so on.  But in the aggregate, I still find the seeming-capriciousness of blog communities and LCs to be both fascinating and occasionally disconcerting.

*  *  *

So now, in a rather ironic but not-unexpected twist, I welcome your comments below.

• Why do some blogs boast a thriving community, whereas others are commently-baren?
• If you’re an LC, what motivates you?  Do you feel that motivates most LCs?
• Are blog communities and LCs really as fickle as I suggest?  And if so, is that even a bad thing?

What do you do with thoughtless, clueless acquaintances?

Earlier this week, I got an e-mail from an acquaintance which basically started off… “Hey man, you know a lot about [x], right?  So would you recommend…”

That in itself isn’t so offensive.  But when someone routinely takes and takes (advice, help, my time via his rantings, etc.) and never gives (a sincere “How are things?”, a random “Hey, I was thinking of you” without a request for help, etc.)... well, that just gets incredibly annoying.

Luckily, I don’t know many people like this.  I have much better taste in friends, and I’ve been really pleased to end up with colleagues who are consistently thoughtful and personable.  But still… there are still enough clueless leeches I hear from that I ought to come up with decent ways of addressing this situation.  And I’d love some of your insight and recommendations!

In my undergraduate days, I learned the hard way that there are always a few people around you that—deliberately or unintentionally—will consistently take advantage of you for as long as you let them.

I clearly remember one particularly notable example of this back from my undergrad days.  Just as I had in high school, I provided piano accompaniment services free of charge to my fellow students, and dammit, I was actually quite good :-D.  Before college, I had enjoyed thoughtful cards, even gifts from those I accompanied, and so understandably I expected more of the same in college.  But it was not to be; even after helping a woman get selected as a understudy for a lead role in a prominent broadway touring company, I don’t even think I got as much as a thank you.

So after one too many of such inexplicable snubs, I literally walked back to my dorm room and cried.  A friend (clearly a true friend, though I don’t remember who) promptly gave me some tough love and said something along the lines of this:

“Look, man, you’re an idiot.  You’re accompanying all these people for FREE.  And then you wonder why you get stepped on?  Charge money for crissake!  People believe they get what they pay for.  You’re free.  You’re not worth anything, so you’re treated as worthless.”

So, reluctantly at first, I started charging money.  Sure enough, I continued to get gigs, and along with the gigs I also got thank you cards, invitations to parties, even small gifts in addition to the cash.  I must admit to having still slightly resented what I felt was such utter stupidity (I hadn’t gotten any better as a pianist; I wasn’t actually worth more!)  But over time, I realized… hey, that’s just the way the world is sometimes.

*  *  *

This isn’t to say that I think there’s no room for kindness, particularly random acts thereof :-D.  But I’ve learned that I have to treat and portray what I have to offer—time and talent—as valuable, or risk losing respect.

So this brings me to an interesting decision.  When faced (most commonly via IM or e-mail) with another Attack of the Selfish Person, should I:

1) Simply ignore them.
2) Actually block them on IMs.
3) Make excuses why I “can’t” help them.
4) Give them a clue as to how selfish they are.

I’ve typically done a variation of #3.  Sometimes helping a bit, other times noting that I’m busy and hoping they’ll get the hint.  They typically don’t.

I find #1 to be just simply rude (two wrongs don’t make a right), and #2 to be a bit too much on the passive-aggressive side.

So that leaves #4.  I’m tempted to say something like the following:

“You know, I’ve avoided saying this because I don’t wish to sound meanspirited, but… for the umpteenth straight time, you’ve asked for something or rambled on about your life or both and NOT ONCE have you asked how I’m doing or suggested a willingness to help me out with anything.  In short, you’ve just come across as REALLY SELFISH.  I thought about just ignoring you, but I figured, hey, maybe you don’t realize how you’re coming across.  And maybe by giving you a bit more self-awareness, I can save from you someone you *really* care about from simply telling you off.”

Then again, I really despise confrontation, and—given the fact that these folks’ behavior has made me NOT care about them—do I really even owe them the favor of a clue?

It’s hard to say.  I do wish, as I was growing up, that more of my peers or teachers had given ME a clue.  After all, I’m happy with how my life has turned out, but I could have achieved a sense of peace and self-worth and a robust social circle a lot sooner had more folks kindly but firmly offered me some harsh but helpful feedback.

And frankly, I don’t really believe that the selfish folks I’ve referenced above are bad much less evil people.  I’m guessing they just don’t understand how they’re coming across or why their one-sided interactions might be so annoying.

*  *  *

But enough of my musings.

1) Do you know selfish people like this?
2) How do you handle ‘em?
3) Do you have any interesting or funny stories of successful clueings-in?  Or “interventions” gone horribly or hilariously wrong?

Secrets to maintaining a full life and not going too crazy

I just had a very enjoyable and productive job interview, and the interviewer asked me an interesting question that I had not encountered before. He wanted to know how I manage to successfully juggle such a wide variety of disparate personal and professional tasks and responsibilities.

The answer: It's a combination of discipline, luck, support and understanding from friends, family and clients, and also really invaluable tools.

Here are a few tips and tools I'm happy to share. Undoubtedly some you'll find appropriate for you, others you'll view as incompatible with the way you want to work or live... but hopefully some of them you'll find useful :-) And as always, remember that there are no absolutes. Absolutely, positively, NEVER any absolutes. Oops. :-P Anyway, on with the list...

Document everything!
I can't stress this highly enough. Unless you have an absolutely perfect memory, I urge you to write down almost everything you think of. To-do items, notes about people you meet, stuff you'd like to blog about, birthdates of friends, etc. Structure is important, sure, but content is by far more important. Even entering a bunch of stuff freeform into Notepad is far better than keeping it on stickynotes or trying to squeeze it all into your head. And remember, this isn't just for you to remember important things: it's also a superb CYA (Cover Your Ass) technique. This way, you *know* and can prove that a client or a business partner or even a roommate promised [x] when they later protest they said [y].

Handle daily stuff and urgent/disgusting stuff
Every single morning and, if possible, every single evening, glance over your todo list. Try tackling a combination of urgent and disgusting early in the morning. What do I mean by disgusting? The stuff that, when you see it on your list, makes you go "ewww... I so do *NOT* want to make that call / wash that trash pail / write that rejection letter." Do it. The rest of the day will only get better :-).

Make goals for the long term (and I don't just mean financially!)
This is far from my original idea, but it's a great one nonetheless :-P Don't ever let the Urgent completely overtake the Important. And by important, I'm referring to things that will give you long term stability and -- most critically -- happiness. For instance, I have a great amount of admiration for friends who are not only disciplined enough to write a book, but actually specify a set number of pages to finish each week... and then accomplish this goal. Sure, these are shorter-term goals in a way, but they lead to a greater achievement in the long term, and -- I'd guess -- greater self-satisfaction.

Make backups!
Your hard drive will crash or your laptop will be stolen or lost or completely unusable. It's just a matter of when. Learn more about backing up your stuff.

Never forget that it's all about people!!!
Meet people, even when you're tired, even when you're unemployed. Take notes on people. Read peoples' blogs. Offer to help people. Watch people. Use people.

Yes, I said "use." That's a bit blunt, and admittedly not quite the most complete way of putting it, but seriously... don't be shy about asking for help, for advice, for leads. Just be willing to *listen* to them and give something back... either now or later.

For too long I was shy about asking people for help, asking to pick their brains over lunch, etc. Until I realized, damn, I have a lot to offer back... both quantitatively and qualitatively. Aside from geek skills, I'm good at introducing folks to each other and I'm often contagiously cheerful, for instance. That may not sound like a hell of a lot to give, but it come right back to "People" and connections.

And let me recount a brief story here. A while back, when dancing with an acquaintance, I happened to mention that I was really hoping to get hired by Acme Corp. "Ah ha!" she said, "I know someone there... a fellow dancer! Do you know Sheila?" I didn't, and this woman introduced me to her.

I went on to befriend Sheila... and I mean *sincerely* befriend her, after realizing that she not only could get me a foot in the door of Acme, but she was also someone that I enjoyed spending time with. She and I chat frequently now, go out to shows, dance together, and so on. My originaly guilt about "using" someone to get something has faded by realizing that I have a lot to give back AND that business connections can actually be leveraged into true friendships. So the lesson is... worry not about why or how you meet people... just do right by them.

Focus on a happiness-and-worth quotient
Before adding something to your todo list or alloting time in your calendar for it, ask yourself two overarching questions:
1) How important is this?
Hint: Paying a credit card bill is very important. Blogging, in most circumstances, is not. Fulfilling a promise to help a friend move -- gotta do it! Meeting a client deadline -- critical. Categorizing your CD collection -- not that essential.

2) What's the pleasure-to-cost ratio?
This actually is one of the key questions I ask not only about to-do items and calendar items, but food, too. I almost never turn down a dessert offered to me if it's something I REALLY LOVE, even if it's something horrible for me like cheesecake. But if it's just something that's yummy-but-really-bad-for-me, I can pass on it. Same with to-dos and appointments. I ask myself: how much pleasure will I get from this now and in the future vs. how much pain or cost will I experience as a result of the choice? I know, I know that sounds so obscenely technical, and like any normal human, I often just go with my gut... act spontaneously... and throw caution to the wind.

And the pleasure isn't just pleasure-for-me directly, but pleasure for friends. I'm not fond of ballet, for instance, but the moment a friend of mine is in a ballet, I'll go see the show... because I know it'll make her really happy to see me in the audience. In that case, the small inconvenience/cost to me is vastly offset by the happiness my friend experiences.

Boost your confidence regularly
I know, I know, this sounds Saturday Night Live Stuart Smalley cheesy, but I swear, it's helpful! Especially when I'm slogging through a time with a difficult client, depressed about having half the women in my weight lifting class lift more than I do, frustrated about not being invited to a party... it's so refreshing to have active reminders that I am talented, I am loved.

I have actually bookmarked, printed out, or taped to the corner of my desk notes of affirmation, both social and professional. I say to myself, damn, if [a person I majorly like and respect] thinks so highly of me, I need to once again boost my confidence to that level. Or, thinking about it another way, oh Lord, help me to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am [stolen from some brilliant but unknown pundit online].

Even from a purely professional perspective, this can work wonders. At any company I've worked at, and from home with my independent clients, I keep an Outlook folder call "Praise." It's here that I place all e-mails from my bosses, colleagues, clients, etc... that reflect upon a job well done. Some of those quotes end up on my Testimonials page, and I have no doubt that they've helped win me new clients and even new full-time contracts.

Take care of your body
If you body is sluggish and crying out, your mind will be like mush. Exercise... ideally by doing something you love (horseback riding, dancing, swimming, etc.). Personally, I've found that gym classes are fun enough to make the gym enjoyable rather than a chore for me, because they offer a combination of group pressure ("Hey, Adam, where were you last week?!"), socialness (sort of like a bar, but without cost or calories of beer), and so on.

A fitness instructor (a both smart and hot one, to boot!) once told me her secret to physical and mental success:

"Do 25 pushups a day. Maybe twice a day, if you can. Do them well. Do them EVERY day."

This exercise works your abs, your back, your arms, your CORE. Keep your head aligned, your form perfect.

I'll be frank: I don't always remember to do this every day. But I should. Along with stretching, I'm convinced that just these two things alone will help keep me feeling more vibrant, toned, and energized. And it'll probably improve my posture, too :-).

* * *

And now for some specific tools I use and love:

My Life Organized ("MLO")
Personal to-dos, professional to-dos, long term goals, short term projects... this program helps you balance all of it in a streamlined, no-nonsense interface. I haven't fully set up priorities for all my tasks yet, but simply putting them under layered categories has been a great help to me (Financial, Webmaster, Social, etc.). You can try out this program for free, and it costs $46-$60 to buy.

EverNote
This long electronic tickertape of sorts allows you to quickly and easily jot down notes of all kind, grab Web snippets, and more... and find stuff ridiculously fast. Perfect for jotting down meeting minutes, client conversations, stuff-to-blog lists, software serial numbers, and so on. Best of all, you can download and use it permanently for free! And, as with MLO, the folks working on this program have maintained a friendly online community to share tips, note bugs, and get help.

OneNote
It's like a spiral notebook on steroids. It's also the most outstanding outliner I've ever used. Already easy-to-use and intuitive, I've seen that great things are to come in the next version (OneNote 12). You can learn more about the program here, but I recommend that you buy a legal copy off of ebay... you'll save a lot of cash with the typical $15 vs. $99 purchase price (make sure you're getting an original, unregistered CD, though!)

Outlook with Plaxo
While other programs do e-mail and tasks better, I've not yet found any software that handles contacts and calendaring in a more intuitive and third-party-supporting way than Outlook. When linked with Plaxo, your contacts will also stay up-to-date; you don't even have to use the controversial "Update my info, please" feature, since you'll find that many of your contacts already use Plaxo and will be automatically updated in your address book for you. Also, Plaxo seamlessly backs up your calendar, contacts, tasks, and notes to their secure server... invaluable in the case of a hard drive failure, and also enormously useful for keeping your desktop and laptop in sync. DISCLAIMER: I've worked for Plaxo in the past (but this has also given me insight into the company's intense and genuine attention to privacy. Really good people there.)

* * *

Whew! I guess that's quite enough for one blog post. I hope you've found some of the insights and suggestions here to be worthwhile, and I'd be delighted to see your feedback in the comments below. Are there other programs you use that help keep your life ordered and on-track? Other life-philosophies that help keep you sane and happy? Speak out :-D